Who I am.
“Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.” ~Jeremiah 31:3
“Some of you out there know me. Some of you might think you know me. Some of you thought you knew me. What I know now is that the only one who truly knows me is the one who made me, and until that truth burst into the deepest, guttiest, inner-most parts of the fabric of my being, I never knew who I was.”
What I now know, believe, and hold unswerving to, is that the God of this universe, the God who is Love, knew me from before the foundations of this world. Knew that I would live a life in secret rebellion to Him….known only to Him. Knew that many would look at me as some role model, someone to esteem, to desire to mimic. Knew that I would wander, far, far, from Him. That I would take my inheritance, take all those good, moral, upright lessons I was taught and squander them to fulfill my own wicked heart’s desires (All, of course, while still sitting in the pew every sunday, singing in choir, leading small groups, thinking of church plants). Knew that I would run and hide for so long, that I would attempt to fill up the emptiness through “good” things….education, sports, church, advanced degrees, music, tireless activities and events and work work work work work……to try and stay busy to not feel or acknowledge that the little dragon of minor wrongs and strays and deceits in my life of when I was but a wee lad, had grown and exploded into a fifty thousand ton behemoth spewing fire and I had to run, run, run, run…to stay ahead. Stay ahead of all the lies (oh man, how many there were…how to keep track of them all)…stay ahead of the emptiness (if you keep moving, you don’t notice the emptiness….and frankly, you can begin to draw a sick justification and pseudo satisfaction from telling yourself “I’m busy, I’m efficient, and look how much I am doing…I am accomplishing so much…” to try and assuage your bleeding heart on the days when all your other vices and self-worship tactics just don’t quite cut it. God knew that I would destroy a marriage, throw away and tarnish gifts in academics, hurt many, many people….but even more cutting, that I would do all this against Him. That I would from the day I was born, be born into a family and environment where undeniably be surrounded by hearing about Him, learning about Him, memorizing, singing, studying, about Him. But that I wouldn’t follow Him. That I wouldn’t trust Him. And more importantly, that I would not…Love Him or obey Him.
And yet, He speaks to me these words: “Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.”
For some reason (A Love that I can’t comprehend, but have tasted and want more of), This God has drawn me back to Himself with an everlasting, and gentle, love.
And for that, I am eternally grateful.
I AM BRYAN….AND THIS IS WHO I AM.